Happy Mother’s Day to all mothers. I am deeply grateful today for my mother. I learned so much from her. Some things were through pain, well most things; but, everything has served me well. It took me many years to wade through the pain and do the forgiveness work needed. I was brutally honest, and there would be days that I simply told God I hated my mother and please help me because I do not want to feel this way. There would be other days that I said I hate my mother and I am ok with how I feel so God please help me. This release was not easy and not always welcomed, but so worth it.
In forgiving my mother, it took years later to understand that forgiveness was the only the first step. I am reminded of two women who gossip and when they stop they realize they do not have anything in common or when a couple set the tone of their relationship with sex and eventually the thrill is gone. They too realize they have nothing in common. What I eventually understood was there was a wide disconnect between my mom and I after the pain was no longer the connection. We had not cultivated a relationship, and this was confusing at times because I doubted my forgiveness work was complete. My experiences served me well because I have a different type of relationship with my children. I set the intention of open dialogue with my children which we have.
Sisters I do not want to give you the impression that the relationship I have with my children came easy. I was my mother’s daughter. I learned from her, and I created my point of reference flawed as it was. I gave meaning to the narratives of my life. Hence, my saying forgiveness is only the first step. Next, I had to face myself and how I interpreted what happened to me. I am still processing. However, as I am better able to communicate to myself what I felt at the time of my life experiences. I also have become better at questioning what ‘it’ taught me and what I learned?
After listening to Jada Pinkett Smith’s fb live ‘The Red Table,’ I remember tearing up after looking at the relationship between three generations and with another woman who happened to be her husband’s ex-wife. I loved how they were all transparent especially Jada’s mother and their ability to talk about themselves and their current and past relationship. I began to think about my own mother. I remember thinking I have forgiven her. Then it dawned on me as an overwhelming feeling of compassion came up there is nothing to forgive. This space of compassion has me in a great space. When you understand compassion, you know but by the Grace of a Higher Power there go I. I made some choices that were different from my mother, but I made my share of mistakes with my own children sometimes simply by not learning from her mistakes.
Compassion allowed me that day to see my mother as a human being who has her wounds like all women. I saw a woman who had been betrayed over and over again and who did not understand how she was betraying herself. I saw a woman who did the best she could with what she was working with. I saw a woman who never stopped providing for her children and who cried tears that I never knew about until I was grown and more importantly did not understand until I cried them too. Sisters our mothers and being a mothers our self is a beautiful thing. But truth be told, many of us had our children much too early not as in age early, that too at times, but early as in before we had mothered our own self. We had not showed up for ourselves nor learned to know what we needed and give it to ourselves. I am grateful for the discernment that we too did the best we could with the consciousness that we had as did our parents. Be gentle with your mother and yourself.
If you are on the road to forgiveness, please know one day you will look up and can talk about your experience as if it belongs to someone else. Afterwards, there is more work to do as you mother (re-parent) self. Treat yourself kind, firm, be assertive, love you, and show yourself self-care and self-pleasure. Most of all be compassionate. It will make your healing journey so much lighter. I send love and light to you all.
To my own mother I say Happy Mother’s Day. I would not trade nothing for my journey. You had the strength of ten thousand warriors, the patience of a many saints, and the courage of many lions even if you did not know it. For the longest time, I did not either. Now, I see you differently. I realize that your kindness was not weakness; your laughter is music to my ears, and I love the conversations that are organically beginning to take shape because I understand what compassion came to teach me….I am my sister(s). I am my mother. I am the mothers of my generation who stayed the course and birthed each other to finally get me here to do my healing work. I was created so that my children and those coming from them will live a totally different life because the tree is in the seed…one of power, peace, and ingenuity from their conception. Mom I love you!